Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-01-02

• Finally saw ‘Let The Right One In’. Lovely, understated and charming, in its odd way. Four thumbs up (all on the same hand). #
• Freezing cold midnight at a lonely grocery store parking. A man selling power tools, lined up on the floor in the spot next to his SUV. #
• @cunch I’m going to make you watch that ‘Clockwork Orange’ style while I sit safely away, sipping tea between maniacal laughter. in reply to cunch #
• ShortHorrorTheater:Man, sick of the abuse from strangers on XboxLive, enrolls in a pottery class. Instructor calls him a ‘fuckin’ faggot’. #
• Since none of you got me a new doomsday cannon for Christmas, I;m just going to have to fire up the old one from last year. Thanks. #
• The bee tie @Cunch got me for Christmas, when worn, seems to attract a cloud of angry bees. It’s cool and all, but my throat’s all swollen. #
• Remember that amazing Chicago’s Cupcakes place I linked to a while back? Well they closed down. Everyone begin the mass suiciding now. #
• Little, portable MyBook drive, you look red and claim to be red on the package, but removing you reveals a great deal of pink. I hate you. #
• Mistake made. Pink interior turned out to be ambrosia salad. Buying a hard drive from the grocery store seemed suspect. Still cost $90. #
• Went out with a girl from Singapore for a bit, but she was nowhere near as awesome as this guy or SARS: http://tinyurl.com/764xzt #
• 1.Shane Acker makes great looking movie. 2. Tim Burton acts as producer. 3. Idiots call it a Tim Burton movie. http://tinyurl.com/7vqh96 #
• @smurray brings this to my attention, putting a smile on my hideous, hideous face: http://tinyurl.com/8d2erx #
• I’m getting quite good at this mini Guitar Hero guitar with the built-in sounds that came from the Mini Wheats. Hot bitches, here I come. #
• I’m running around in the streets “rocking out” with this zippo-sized guitar, doing the splits and the hot bitches seem to want none of me. #
• @blackbirdpirate Why is my desperate need to be loved for my ability to rock so funny? in reply to blackbirdpirate #
• One splits too many. Still rocking, but without the use of my broken legs. Dragging myself on bloody elbows, the tiny guitar compels me. #
• @rikkisimons It’s still the most science fictiony of the movies, too, and that Goldsmith score is freakishly pretty. in reply to rikkisimons #
• Attempted too late to rock the entire world before the year’s end. Battery inside tiny guitar is dying. I am dying. Need energon cubes. #
• Tried to pass on my power to another by jamming the tiny guitar into their chest. They died from a crushed heart and collapsed lungs. Fuck #
• @stephenfry Sounds like the scene from that interminable King Kong remake, only without Jack Black there to mug the camera. Or is he? in reply to stephenfry #
• Final burst of life energy lifting me off the ground as I play the final chords on tiny guitar. I burn with a power too stupid to describe. #

Eat your heart out, OTHER diseases.

If you’re an infectious disease and this guy doesn’t make a song and video about you, just get the hell out of my sight, yeah?

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2008-12-26

• In the end, I think it all just comes down to badass, cyborg wienermobile. http://tinyurl.com/5bd77k #
• No more handholding you through other wiener-dog stuff, kids. Just go on and follow @ECTOPLASMOSIS! already. You’re old enough now. #
• It’d be much easier to follow them if I posted the right link to their Twitter, huh? I bet it would. @ectomo #
• Michael McDonald vampire is even better than wiener dogs. http://tinyurl.com/479t95 #
• How did I manage all this Christmas traffic before I attached the cowcatcher to my car? #
• Preparing to tell you all the most spine-chilling Christmas tale ever devised to cure even the worst sufferers of megacolon. #
• So turn down the dimmer on your lights and put on your traditional rubber Christmas slacks, and get ready for a descent into terror. #
• To plummet into the very worst of your merry nightmares, if you will. If you won’t then disregard this and enjoy the cake in the next room. #
• Now that those assholes are dying of poisonous cake, the rest of us can get on with knowing the very heart of seasonal horror. Neat, huh? #
• Okay, hold on. The EPA is on the phone, worried about irreparable damage to the earth that all the unleashed horror would cause. #
• A bit saddened and somewhat offended that some of my readers would think I’d repeat the Halloween Story debacle of ‘08. Come on, guys. #
• Little Broken Timmy, a tiny, malformed reader in a wheelchair even wrote to ask if the rumors of my procrastinating on this story were true. #
• Aghast, I told him not to listen to such ugly slander , and to put the helmet I got him back on, for he’s a monstrous thing to behold. #
• To be honest, lil’ Tim’s in the chair BECAUSE of this story, last time I told it, so I’m having second thoughts now. Feeling bad now. #
• @rstevens Back to My Mac worked maybe once for me on a trip to the bay area about a year ago. Friends are sick of me swearing it happened. in reply to rstevens #
• ShortHorrorTheater:Man dressed as Santa enters house to surprise his kids only to find them half eaten as the real Santa rushes out the door #
• I keep trying to crawl through strangers’ windows with a dirty garbage bag full of presents but nobody wants me in. What am I doing wrong? #
• Am I using the wrong style of ‘Christmas Brick’ to announce my impending flop through the shattered window or something? #
• Does this mean I can expect a bucket of pig’s blood being dropped on my head at the ceremony? http://shortyawards.com/user/JhonenV #

Twitter Weekly Updates for 2008-12-19

• Saturday! I’m crayzehh with my Final Cut Pro and my cup of tea. All those internet rumors about me being an insane rockstar are true! #
• No…I’m not kidding. I AM a rockstar. The rumors ARE true. I’m on stage right now, as a matter of fact, covering The Final Countdown. #
• You, with the short hair and the backpack full of Xbox live gamerpoint certificates…wait for me in my dressing room/janitor’s room. #
• You, with the mop and bonesaw. Get in the dressing room and clean up what’s left of my last visitor. My work here is done. #
• It’s the meowing that finally elevates this above the lesser things in creation: http://tinyurl.com/6mn9xj #
• Looking for a customer service number to call on the ‘Golden Compass’ dvd to ask how I can get those thousand hours of my life back. #
• As is my routine, I was thrown out of bed by an invisible force, hovered before the computer as it powered up on it’s own, and got to work. #
• The invisible force also scrambles my awareness of the proper use of “its” and “its”, insidious as it is. #
• See? I did it again?! It’s all falling apart! #
• I hope the one follower that responds only to correct spelling mistakes is a bot. Imagine CHOOSING to exist exclusively like that. #
• Okay, assignments for the day. You there, I want you and your team to man the perimeter and draw the lightning away from me while I work. #
• Actually away from my pain station and heading to an early Benjamin Button screening. Fincher’s doing a Q&A. Then back home for tears. #
• @rstevens Man, I remember seeing tetris when it was playing the clubs. in reply to rstevens #
• Happiness levels took a serious hit just now when I realized that it’s a basketball and not a gigantic hamburger in Shaq’s twitter icon. #
• Finally, a jelly-handed, uncanny valley monster that reads weather reports and cries when you grab its breasts: http://tinyurl.com/557vkr #
• Proof of re-printed and slightly revised old JTHM shirt. and that @zoetica was probably doing laundry that day. http://tinyurl.com/5e3sdw #
• @zoetica I’m the guy that decides what gets played in EVERY office during the holidays. You got a problem with my choices? Huh? in reply to zoetica #
• Ladies and gents, a new Mindspill post for your perusal: http://tinyurl.com/46vdct #
• Tell me I’m not alone in my weakness for buying these wee iPhone games every other minute. Hydro Tilt, 7Cities TD, Dropship, Fieldrunners.. #
• Imangi, Quordy, Trism, Wurdle…good god…someone stop me. Why doesn’t Dr. Awesome stop me? #
• Bothered by my choice of consumer merchandise? Go back to your PS3vs360, DSvsPSP, COKEvsPEPSI flame wars or just get a fuckin’ life, kids. #
• I don’t really care what the game is playing on so long as I can play. I’ve run MAME on digital camera viewfinder just to get my fix. #
• I once ran Genecyst from a cancer-ridden child’s respirator just because it had been ten minutes since I last fought Death Adder. #
• @rstevens I have all of those, my friend. ALL OF THEM. I need more, understand? Something is wrong with me. Why aren’t you helping?! in reply to rstevens #
• You haven’t really played Shadow of the Beast until you’ve run it from CCS64 from a limbless T-100 cyborg’s OS, using the eye as a screen. #
• @warrenellis Did the trick of detailing why you hate everything they produce work for you? It seems to be the way my meetings go. in reply to warrenellis #
• @warrenellis First thing I do in a meeting with execs is to furiously overturn their desk, like Jesus with the television moneylenders. in reply to warrenellis #

Vectorizing the past.

A few months back SLG  let me know that they were going to be re-printing an old JTHM shirt that was initially put out something around ten thousand years ago, back when I had a corporeal state and still had love in my flesh-heart.  Normally, when they call, I scream something about leaving me alone before throwing the phone against the wall, swiping madly at the air around the now shattered plastic like a fearful caveman at a solar eclipse, but in this case I figured something new was called for.
Continue reading Vectorizing the past….