My stomach! Oh god why did I eat so much pizza? What the hell was I thinking?
After the con today, we went to a pizza place in the Fremont district here in Seattle…a place called Kylie’s. Landry Walker (so called for his crazy habit of walking and not getting everywhere by unicycle like everyone else) told us that it was a kind of offshoot of Little Star Pizza, my favorite pizza joint in San Francisco.
Well, the pizza was great and all, but maybe too great. I couldn’t stop eating it.
“JHONEN, PLEASE STOP EATING IT!” was the cry coming from everyone in my group, as well as from strangers sitting at other tables and some of the wait staff.
I just laughed at them and kept going, slice after fat, Chicago-style slice. ”You guys should just calm down!” I’d yell back, giggling through a mouth full of dough.
“AAHHAHHAHHAHHAHH! AAAAAAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHHHH!!!!”, I’d go, eyes watering at how stupid they were all being, their faces no longer laughing along with me, now growing more and more upset as they watched me grab for another slice.
An hour later, I wasn’t laughing anymore, but I was still eating. I was eating and crying and though my hands and mouth went right on in getting more and more pizza into me, my eyes pleaded with the room to stop me, to stop this mockery of a pizza feast.
“H…help me. Help me to be human.”, I chewed. By that point, nobody dared go near me. I was a monster to them, a thing that defied logic and abhorred the natural way of things.
I was beyond salvation.
I don’t even understand how that much pizza got into me when I only have so much stomach room. It’s…oh fuck…sweet christ. Alright…it’s passed. Felt like I was going to throw up just then. Okay…It’s like the pizza began bypassing my full stomach and was being routed to other, non-digestive tract parts of my body like my calves and elbows or something. I think that’s what must have happened…yeah. Yeah, when I mush myself around in those places I can feel pizza in there.
Okay…I’m gonna make it through this. Just…just don’t look at me while I do it, okay? You’re making these incredibly uncomfortable faces as you watch me struggle and claw at my guts. That sick look on your face is going to just push me over the edge and…oh fuck…oh fuck…
Okay…I’m good. Let’s…uuuuuuuuuuuugh…let’s get on with this. You’re gonna love…AUUUUUUGH!! OH GOD! OH JE-BLUUUUUUUUUH-JESUS! Wuh…wuhhhhh….hhhh….uhhhh….
Okay…I’m good. I can handle this. I…
Let’s do this already.
Now…sit…huunnnghhh…sit back and get ready for the most amaaAAaaaAAAAGHH!! Guhhh…the most UUUUUUUGH…most ammmUUUUUUUGHHH….
Holy shit, guys…I’m not gonna make it through this one. I just know it. I’m all queasy feeling…sweat on my brow…guts just churning…
NO! Don’t help me. I don’t need any help, okay? Yes, I’m aware I’m crawling on the floor, crying and gagging, but that’s what I always do. It’s how I get attention, okay? I’m fine! I SAID I’M FINE! I’m AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!! AAWWWFUUUUUHHHH! It hurts so bad inside!
I…I have a new idea. Look…don’t think this is weird or anything, but just follow me into the bathroom. Here’s how this is gonna…ugh…how this is gonna go down. I’m gonna get into that toilet stall, and you just stand out here and I’ll tell you today’s fact while hidden away from view.
Okay…you can still hear me right? Good. The acoustics in here are much better anyhow. Woah…woahhh….
Geezus christ…it’s impossible how awful this feels!
SO…today’s fact is…oh…woah…woah…
OH GOD. OH MY GOD! NO! DON’T COME IN HERE! I’m fine…I swear…I’m fine okay?! NEVER MIND WHAT YOU HEAR! JUST STAY OUT THERE…AUUUUGH! AUUUUGH! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYY GODDDDDDDDDDD!!! HELP ME!! HELP….BLOOOOOOOOGHHHHHHH….MEEEEEEEEEE!!!
RUN! RUN!! DON’T STAY IN HERE! RUN AS FAR AS YOU CANNNNNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
WAIT! WAIT!! WAIT!! BEFORE YOU GO…UUUUUUGH…AUUUUUUGH!!! BEFORE…YOU…GO…..
GIR WAS A ROBOT IN A DOG SUIT…AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHH!
(unintelligible screaming and gibbering)